Sunday, October 10, 2010

Creep Of The Week: People Who Give Unsolicited Advice On Raising Kids

How to recognize them: They watch your every move as a parent. They don’t care what seems to work for you and your child. They feel their experiences are the absolute end all be all of parenting and that’s how it should be. No one else’s opinion matters. They are right. You are clearly wrong.

Frequently heard saying: “You shouldn’t feed your baby so much. You don’t want her to be fat.”

“She’s not hungry. She just wants to suck on something.”

“You can’t just shove a bottle in her mouth every time she fusses.”

Why they bug: Nothing burns my ass more than people who criticize, ignore and sometimes outright undermine my parental judgments and orders. I'm the one with the permanent scars from giving birth. That makes me the boss, not you. Watch me shove a bottle in her mouth when she cries. She IS hungry, asshole. That’s the only time she cries. If she just wanted to suck or chew, she’d take a pacifier. But she spits it out because nothing comes out of it. She’s a growing baby. You can’t just starve her. You never even bothered to ask how much she eats in a given day. My pediatrician is not concerned about her weight. He is a well-educated medical expert. If he doesn’t care, neither should you. She's eating breastmilk, not Big Macs. And why should I take your advice when all your five year old eats is hot dog rolls?

Their retort: “Well, I guess you know best…”

My response: You bet your fat stupid ass I know best what is right for my child. Shut up and worry about your own kids.

Friday, October 8, 2010

A Sappy Open Letter To My Daughter On Her Second Birthday

Dear Anastasia,

I can’t believe you are two years old today. It’s not possible. It feels like your father and I brought you home from the hospital 20 years ago. I’m getting gray hair and bags under my eyes from not sleeping. Your mommy is aging rapidly thanks to you and your sister.

All joking aside, you’ve been the light of my world for these last two years. I never really imagined myself to be the mommy type but you have made it enjoyable.

You were an early talker and a late walker. This would have been fine except you were a really late walker and needed physical therapy for your weak joints and low muscle tone. Watching your strength develop and taking your first steps has been amazing. You are now running and climbing and doing everything a two year old is supposed to be doing, including getting away from me on the playground and getting hurt, leading to bumps on your head and more even gray hair on mine.

Something new comes out of your mouth everyday that makes me laugh. I love that you talked early because you never have a problem telling me exactly what you want (rather than running away from me to go get it). I hope you carry that on throughout your life and you’re never afraid to say what you want or what is on your mind. Today you were carrying your toy car around rather than riding it. When I asked what you were doing, you looked right at me sighed and said, “It’s heavy.” I’m still not convinced that you can’t read. I know sometimes you have your books memorized, but I’m almost positive that you sometimes recognize the words as well.

You have been the best big sister you could possibly be. I have to admit, I was a little scared that you would be jealous of your sister or be mean to her. So far, so good. Please don’t make a liar out of me. Your sister will need you to watch out for her. And I have a feeling she will watch out for you too. Be nice to her. Share your toys. Share clothes. And don’t steal each other’s boyfriends. It’s so important to me that you like each other and get along forever. I know you’ll fight sometimes. But please make up quickly.

You have changed me so much. I’m much more laid back now. I don’t get stressed as easily. My priorities have shifted. You and your sister are the most important things in my life.

This next year will bring us potty training. I’m a little worried about that one but you are already showing signs that you are interested and ready. I’m just not so sure that I am.

I can’t wait to see who you will become. You have such a strong personality already. Don’t be a brat. I love you to the moon and back. You mean the world to me.

Love,
Your Mommy

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sunny Days Sweeping The Clouds Away (A Sesame Place Review)

If you’ve ever met my daughter Stasi, you would know that she is obsessed with Sesame Street, much like John Hinkley Jr. was obsessed with Jodi Foster. Fortunately, we live only slightly over an hour away from Sesame Place. We decided to take her there as her first amusement park trip.

Stasi, who is not quite two, can be a little unpredictable in public. At times, she can be a bit whiney and bratty. Other times, she is bubbly, excited and cute. And sometimes she is a little bit of both. We committed to only a few hours because we weren’t quite sure how she was going to deal.

When we got there, we decided to spring an extra three dollars for VIP parking. This was probably not necessary as there is regular parking for $15 just across the street that was not all that much farther away. We noticed right away that the landscaping was trimmed and planted in the shape of Sesame Street characters. Very cool!

I had already purchased our tickets online before entering. The cost to get into Sesame Place is $53 for everyone over the age of two. The pass is good for two days that don’t necessarily have to be consecutive. I found a discount via AAA. There are also other various coupons available online and through other businesses. We brought a backpack, which contained juice for Stasi. Next time, we will likely bring water as well. After a guard searched the pack and we hit the somewhat crowded bathrooms outside of the gates, we went in.

We were directed by the greeter who took our tickets to a stand that was giving bags to the kids to trick or treat at various points in the park. There were clues that lead to each stand but we didn’t really pay attention to them. Rather, we just collected the candy as we saw the stands. The greeter neglected to tell us where we could get a map of where everything was. We spent the first couple hours orienting ourselves to the layout of the park.

It’s not a huge park. Half of it seems to be water rides, which we have little interest in. It was a hot day, despite already being fall. Many, but not all, of the water rides were still running. Instead, we tried to focus on some of the Halloween activities. We also walked through a small section of the park that is a replica of the Sesame Street set. I intended to get pictures of Stasi sitting on the infamous doorstep, but never got around to it. We were either too busy trying to figure out where things were or tired and ready to leave.

I took Stasi into The Count’s Halloween maze and got lost. Amid the twists and turns, there was a talking Jack O’lantern named Merlin who interacted with the crowd. After watching him for a little from the back of a group of people, we continued. I erroneously thought the curtained exit was another dead end. Knowing that we were limited on time, and that Stasi had decided that she no longer wanted to walk, leaving me to carry her, I panicked a little. Then I followed some other people around until they left. When we came out, The Count was waiting at the end. We got in line to get Stasi’s picture taken with him. She did not look at the camera, though. We found a few other characters in our travels, too. She didn't look at the camera with them, either.

We noticed that people abandon their strollers and other belongings at the rides, shows and at the Dine With Me hall. I was a little leary of this at first but everyone does it. I kept all of my important belongings in my pocket (money, camera, etc.) but no one messed with my backpack anyway. I found this to be kind of amazing. There are also lockers available for other cynics. I do suggest putting a ribbon and a tag with your contact info on your stroller just in case someone mistakenly takes the wrong one.

We made reservations prior to our visit to have lunch with the characters. This was a great opportunity for Stasi to get to meet the characters without spending time in line. The characters all came to the tables, except for Elmo. You had to go to him for a picture, which cost $20. I look like hell in that picture. Stasi also does not look as happy as she really was. We had a hard time dragging her away from him really. The lunch was a buffet. It was okay, similar to what you would expect at a high school cafeteria. There were hotdogs, chicken, mac and cheese, among other things along with cookies for dessert. The food wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t horrible, either. The cost of dining is $25 per adult. Children ages two and up are at a lower cost but I’m not sure what it was as Stasi was free. The characters also performed some songs. It was entertaining and worth it overall, given the cost of food at amusement parks.

Next, we found maps at the information stand near the gate and less crowded bathrooms near one of the water rides that was not in use. Then we were off to Elmo’s World Live. They suggest getting there a half hour before show time. We waited in line for a while and it was fairly crowded. In line, they showed episodes of Elmo’s world for the kids. We were finally seated on bleachers in a small auditorium for Elmo’s Halloween themed show. Stasi seemed to love it. When it was time to leave, she said, “Bye Elmo’s World! See you later, Elmo’s World!”

We left and it was finally time for some rides. We made the carousel our first priority. At first, she cried. But once it started moving, she started to laugh and really enjoyed herself. We decided to hit the rides in the Elmo’s World section next. She went on The Flying Fish with Paul because stuff that goes around in a circle tends to make me sick. Then we hit teacups and finally the flying birdcages.

We hit two of the shops. Because Paul couldn’t make up his mind and left it for Stasi to decide, we bought her both a stuffed Oscar and a stuffed Snuffalufagus. I also bought her a sweatshirt and a Big Bird onesie for my other daughter who was too little to make the trip.

We also wanted to get drinks for the ride home. The food places are all indoors so we decided to hit a snack stand instead. As we approached the first one, the vendor told us that the stand was closed. We got in line at another stand nearby, which had a long line. By the time it was our turn the first stand had reopened. The vendor really shouldn’t take his break inside the stand. They should at least send someone to relieve him. We were hot, tired and frustrated. And that was not a good way to end our day. Still, aside of having to wait to be seated for the show, that was really my only complaint. We got these gigantic character cups (which I believe are refillable at a discount). I noticed while we were waiting in line that the soft pretzels are shaped like Elmo’s head.

In an effort to hit all the rides before Stasi pooped out on us, we skipped the parade. Sesame Place will be retiring this version of the parade by the end of this season with plans to revamp it in 2011. I’m hoping we get to go again before the end of October to use the second part of our pass.

Monday, September 20, 2010

What I've Learned These Last Two Years

As I close in on the second year of being a mother, I’m surprised at what I’ve learned so far. Everyday brings a new lesson. I won’t pretend to know everything about motherhood. I’m still a novice at this. But these are the lessons that immediately come to mind.

1. If your kid won’t eat vegetables, hide them. You can put spinach in smoothies and vegetables on pizza. Kids also don’t know the difference between beef hot dogs and tofu hot dogs. It’s hardly fair fooling them but it works.

2. Pump. Breast milk is the best thing for babies. But some babies don’t latch. And nursing in public can be awkward, especially when you’ve got big knockers. So take the time and pump rather than feeding your baby formula. The baby will still get all the nutritional benefits of the milk. Your significant other can also feed the baby this way while you pump. You will still bond with your child because babies are so dependant on their parents for every little thing anyway. And it’s free. It's best to try to get eight 20 minute pumping sessions in everyday if pumping exclusively.


3. Buy a diaper changer like this one.




They are small and convenient. They fit in your purse and hold what you need.

4. Sleep advice.
I could write an entire blog on how to get a baby to sleep at night but I’m afraid I will jinx myself if I do. First, give the baby a bottle before bedtime, whether it’s formula or breast milk. If you are nursing, give up caffeine completely. Use a special blanket to condition the baby. It will trigger the thought process on it being time to sleep. I prefer Halo Sleepsacks because they are impossible to break out of due to their zippers. And try to keep your room temperature low.

5. No butt scootching! It might be cute. And you might think it’s okay because at least your baby is getting around her own little world. But it may take months of physical therapy to correct when your child’s balance is off or her desire to walk is thwarted by a lack of a need. She will figure that there’s no reason to stand up since she can see the top of the coffee table. And why bother crawling or walking when you can carry things in your hand without falling? It takes a long time to break bad habits. Nip it in the bud and do not allow your child to scootch.

6. Real moms don't wear lipstick. I used to never leave the house without lipstick. Now, I find that I put it in my purse or pocket for after kissing the baby good-bye. I also find that I frequently forget to put it on. Sure, the makeup trends of nude lips did not help. But I think it’s mostly because I do not want to leave my daughter looking like Oscar Wilde’s grave.

7. Their falls, bumps and bruises will upset you more than them. I’ve had play dates ruined because little feet have gotten ahead of her and caused her to go way too fast. This has lead to a meltdown which was all mine rather than hers. Scratched glasses, bumps on the head, holding and rocking while she screams, “No mommy! Put me down!” soothe me somewhat. Seeing her run around and forget helps me even more. It's best to not even react. They're much more resilliant than you think.

8. TV is not so bad. The American Academy of Pediatrics can shove their suggestion of no TV for children under the age of two. I believe that TV has taught my daughter how to talk, recognize letters and numbers and possibly even read before the age of two. I think it’s more important to be careful of what she is watching rather than how much she is watching. It’s Sesame Street, not the Sopranos*. She’s not obese. In fact, she’s always been in the lower weight percentiles. And she loves to go outside to run around and take stroller walks. This may change when she is older, but for now I will continue to let her watch Sid The Science Kid. Someday, I hope to hear her sing, “I love my mom! My mom is cool!”

*We do not watch Cailou, however. That kid whines too much and it is strictly forbidden in my house.

9. If you have a daughter, you will find glitter in the strangest places. In the fridge, the bathtub, your hair. No one knows where it comes from. It just magically appears when you have little girls in your house.

10. Men will catch fire if a baby spits up on them. Or pees. Or (God forbid) poops. Or so it seems by my husband’s reaction when these things happen.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Creep Of The Week: People Who Bring Their Sick Kids Around Me And My Family

How to recognize them: They’re carrying coughing and whining kids around that have snot coming out of their noses. The kids are carrying toys that are extremely attractive to your child. And it’s covered with snot, slobber and germs galore.

Frequently heard saying: “They’re not contagious. Not to be gross or anything but their noses are running clear. That means the infection is gone. I would NEVER bring sick kids around a new baby.”

Why they bug: That doesn’t mean that your kid isn’t covered with germs that are going to get the rest of the world sick, brain trust. What is so important that you can’t keep your annoying brats home? You know I have a newborn baby. My toddler is now drooling, sniffling and not eating because you just HAD to take your grimy little little monsters out. And I have a sore throat, too. I'm breastfeeding so there isn't much that I can take for that right now. I swear to God if my baby gets sick I am going to grab you by the testicles and twist, you fucking douche. I'd punch you, but my hands have been rubbed raw from washing them so much.

Their retort: "Oh, it’s just a little cold. They’ll get over it. It’s not like kids sleep through the night anyway."

My response: Well, maybe not YOUR kids don't sleep through the night but mine do…unless they’re sick. And all I want to do is sleep but I can’t because I have a baby that needs care and a cranky toddler who doesn’t feel good. I hope you get sick and run out of tissues and toilet paper, asshole.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Creep Of The Week: Healthcare Professionals Who Lack Compassion

How to recognize them: Typically nurses, they make you clean your own blood off the floor in your hospital room after you’ve had major surgery. They toss your baby around with little regards to her lack of neck control while taking a blood sample. They squabble with other nurses in front of you about having to take a lunch break. They don’t smile. They have no sense of humor and generally lack patience with you for needing their services in the first place.

Frequently heard saying: “Can you bend over and wipe that up? I’ll hold the garbage can open for you. Yes, I know it hurts, sweetie. Oh, you missed a drop over by your foot.”

“The angrier your baby gets, the easier it will be for the blood to come out. That’s it. Keep screaming!”

“You need to take your lunch break now! Look at what you’ve done to her arm putting that IV in! We’re going to have to call the lab in to get the blood sample. Look at all this blood that you got all over the place. Hopefully, the patient will be able to clean this up before the anesthesiologist gets here and paralyzes her.”

“How dare you take three steps into the hallway to hand your husband a book to read to your screaming toddler! This is a nazi death camp, er, I mean, waiting room! You can’t leave while holding a number! You must give it back now and go to the end of the line. We’re currently serving #67. I know you were #82 and will not be called for a long time. But now you must take #120 instead.”

“Do you realize your doctor’s instructions say that this needs to be done in the morning? Are you aware that it is now 11:40 AM? I hope we’re not too late!”

Why they bug: Some people love what they do for work and other people go into a field for the sake of job security. There is always a need for healthcare professionals and jobs can be somewhat easy to find compared to other fields. But if you’re an asshole, you really shouldn’t work with people, let alone in a field where the client’s emotions and stress levels run high. Not to mention, you are in a position where one mistake can cause someone a great deal of physical pain. I should not have to clean my own blood off the floor after major surgery. I should not audibly gasp when a professional picks up my four day old baby and positions it on a table to draw blood. I’m worried enough as it is having to watch her writhe around in pain as you squeeze blood from her heel. And the whole bleeding more when she is upset is simply not true. Another phlebotomist was able to prick her heel and get a sample just fine without even waking her and several others did the same without making her cry. You just suck at your job. If eating a fucking sandwich is going to put you in a better mind frame for sticking sharp needles and IVs in me, then by all means, go eat. I’m not going anywhere. If I need to tend to my toddler, (who my husband removed from your crowded waiting room because she is not feeling well and afraid of the people in the room in wheelchairs, thereby saving all the other patients from having to endure the meltdown of all meltdowns), give me five fucking seconds to hand my husband the book and the snacks that I found in my purse that might calm her down long enough so that I don’t have to hear her crying in the hallway while I wait my turn. AND, 11:40 AM is still morning, you stupid fucking cunt! You see, when both the big hand and the little hand are on the 12, then it is noon and anything after that is AFTERnoon. Jesus Christ! Where did you get your degree? And I would have been in your office earlier but there’s a long line in your waiting room and I almost lost my turn.

Their retort: The healthcare field is very stressful. We have to shut down some of our compassion or we will lose our shit and go crazy.

My response: I’m not buying it. If you can’t deal, get a different job. There are plenty of other healthcare workers who are more stressed out and sleep deprived who handle their jobs wonderfully. To those folks, the ones who were kind, caring and compassionate, I thank you.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Another Hiatus

I know I’ve been negligent. I still don’t think anyone actually reads this crap so I don’t feel too bad about not updating for a while. I’m having a baby very soon. So right now, I’m just trying to appease the good hormonal instincts (like the ones the birdies have about building their nests) and repress the bad ones (like the ones that black widow spiders have about killing their mates).

Sporadic posting is better than no posting. I will update dribs and drabs until my life becomes normal again. I don’t know when that will be, if ever, so just keep checking this space, faithful readers. I thank you both.